A Letter

I feel that I am not myself, that I am at this moment some how not connected to this body, my body, my soul, my brain, my heart. Who am I? It's so weird the way I feel right now. I feel as though I could scream or breakdown and cry for no reason at all. I'm so scared because I feel like my only true secret, my only real weakness is coming back to haunt me, to drive me insane or to put a bullet through my head. But you know me so well, you know I could never kill myself, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to die if I deserved it. My senses are starting to awake now. I can feel the cold floor beneath me and the hard brick wall behind me. I can hear the people around me, but the words are all foreign to me. Would you still love me if our lives fell apart? I just want to go home and hide in my bed and all curled up in the darkness. Silence is what feels best now. My back is hurting and the cold from the floor is creeping through my body so I must go.

(10/14/98)