A Little Info About My Poetry...

Much of my poetry is from time's past when I have experienced much heartache. You may look at it and think of it as dark, or depressing, but I see someone who the Lord has redeemed. I see a new creation in myself. Eventually I will probably put the poetry in order, from oldest to newest, but for now it's just all mixed up.

I Will Not Be Yours

Creeping up like a lion to its prey
You want to devour me
Seduce me
Reduce me to that confused little girl I once was

You want me to crave and need this sin of love
That is not really love at all
but a lie
a great defeat
that breeds deceit

Let me go, set me free, rescue me
from this ache in the pit of my being
gnawing
and licking my wounds
and my claws

You have no hold over me and yet
you continue to creep
but I will not be your catch
so leave

I cry out to You who saves, rescue me from the one who hunts me!
Secure me and give me peace
I beg
peace

Torn Edges

I hate the way the perforated edges don't stop the paper from tearing as I try to release it from it's metal grip.

I hate this perforated emotion that is supposed to gently be released from old familiars grip, instead to be torn and ripped with some left and some let go.

Thank God His grace pours over my torn edges.

Leaky Roof

Knawing at my empty stomach

Can’t sleep

Like an animal trying to swim through oil
I struggle to move past these emotions

But this ache comes with those dead-end
Want to end
Fantasies
That haven’t ended

The slow sticky oil surrounds my soul as it takes its toll

Like rain dripping in from a leaking roof
Filling a bucket
You leak into me
Filling my head and drenching my heart

When I close my eyes I feel your breath
I feel your hand behind my head
Your other hand on my chest
My heart beats faster now
So I open my eyes to realize

Reality

STOP!

The bucket spills and makes a mess
As all these emotions pour out as I shout
I punch nothing wanting to feel nothing

About you

Empty out of me or come back to me
Just please don’t leave and I’ll let go

(I know)

It doesn’t work that way

A Letter

I feel that I am not myself, that I am at this moment some how not connected to this body, my body, my soul, my brain, my heart. Who am I? It's so weird the way I feel right now. I feel as though I could scream or breakdown and cry for no reason at all. I'm so scared because I feel like my only true secret, my only real weakness is coming back to haunt me, to drive me insane or to put a bullet through my head. But you know me so well, you know I could never kill myself, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to die if I deserved it. My senses are starting to awake now. I can feel the cold floor beneath me and the hard brick wall behind me. I can hear the people around me, but the words are all foreign to me. Would you still love me if our lives fell apart? I just want to go home and hide in my bed and all curled up in the darkness. Silence is what feels best now. My back is hurting and the cold from the floor is creeping through my body so I must go.

(10/14/98)

Untitled

I am a girl.

I am weak.

I am attached.

I try to act tough.

They see rigth through me.

(1/22/00)

Alone

Dead shadows on the wall;

Silence that reminds you of how lonely you really are.

The Feather

Gliding down my face, smooth, soft. It tickles, ever so sweetly. It floats gently down to the hard wood floor, whisping to and fro until it finds its place and settles. For a moment. Until laughter and the pitter patter of small feet send it scurrying to a lonely corner, a safe corner, where it will find rest, for now.

I Give My Life To Thee

Oh God, please forgive my flesh
as it wages war on my soul
Remind me how I am not my own
for You have paid the toll

When the darkness comes and the enemy prowls
may I throw myself upon You
Because selfish desires lead to mighty fires
and my strength alone won't do

Remind me how you took my place, trading sin for grace
even though I deserve the flame
What a monster am I to wallow in pity
I should hide my face in shame

But NO I won't!
for this is why you died
That I may approach the throne of grace
for my sin has already been tried!

Oh thank you my Savior!
Thank you for choosing me
A willing bond-servant now am I
so my life I give to Thee

I will flee, I will flee...

Behind Those Eyes

Who is behind those eyes?
I want to know...I want to know you.
I see a smile, an uncertain sort of smile
were you really sad all the while?
I don’t think you knew if you were sad
I don’t think you knew much of anything
you just were...
You were not the pretty girl
or the one everyone wanted to be friends with
no
you were different...strange
confused
lost
marred
I think you probably loved to laugh
I think you were very generous
and sensitive
bossy
ugly
weird
I bet you would have loved to have curled up in arms of love
I bet you would have loved wonderful stories
I think you were swimming through dark waters
you just couldn’t see
but you swam
and swam
It probably felt safe, comforting to be someone else

Some Kind of Disorder

Good day, bad day

Good moment, bad moment (want some Prozac?)

I love you yesterday
I love you in the meantime

I don't know

Nothing is consistent
Everything is scattered

Today I don't feel
Today I feel too much

I'm sinking

I'm mean and cold
Get off me, don't touch me
I'm dry

I'm not mad at you
I'm just messed up and no one sees it
because I'm so together, you know, on the outside and all

"Have you lost your charisma and charm?"
"Oh, there it is, you're back to normal."

Normal! Ha!

Not tonight.

Large Coat

I wrapped his large coat around me like a comforter, burrowing my body in deep curling up in it. As I opened the door I checked to make sure it was unlocked and then quietly stepped into the cold. As I feel the wind slide over my face, it chills me like a large cold rock beneath my head. I like it. The hard grey sky, with a distant blue, is like that rock, although I can’t touch it. It stares at me through bare trees with soberness. I pull my coat tighter so that it warms my cold frame with a hug. Closed eyes, alone, peace.

We Are Yours

You’ve called our name, you’ve sought us out
You gave us a song of praise
You set our feet upon a rock
now set our spirits ablaze

Remind us when we first tasted Your goodness
when we could not keep our lips sealed
When we testified to all who would listen
What Jesus in our lives had revealed

Take us to that place again
and burn our hearts anew
Take worship beyond words from our mouth
Let it be more than just something we do

Compel Your servants to full devotion
and by Your Spirit we’ll strive
to live like Christ and not grow dim
but in Him be fully alive

We are willing to be a people going beyond church walls
to be Your mouth, Your hands, and Your feet
So blot out our fears and complacency
and send us to the street

There is power in the gospel, when Your hand is upon Your saints
You have given us what we need from above
Now we just have to get out of ourselves
and spill out Your truth and love

Let’s splash those around us with authentic spirits
taking off any masks we may wear
Let’s carry the burdens of our fellow saints
and leave drops of compassion and care

So with confidence we approach the throne of grace
With a commitment to yield fully to You
I offer my mind, heart and soul
as vessels Your Spirit lives through

No Motivation

No motivation
Empty and lonely
Crushed spirit
Hard
Watery eyes
Despair
I just want to sleep
Goodnight

Can You Feel My Broken Heart?

Can you feel my broken heart?
Broken
Unspoken...was
My big secret
Do you have something to say as well?
They all did
They just wanted to get rid...of
My big secret
Can you imagine the pain?
Tears
Fears...about
My big secret
I don’t care what you feel, or have to say, or can imagine
I’m angry and torn apart
I was from the start...over
My big secret
That is no longer a secret I’m going to keep

Sandy Charles

they didn't tell me
they didn't even acknowledge me
they didn't care
or share
but they should have
they should have told me about the risks
they should have told me about the pain
they only said what i would gain
i don't know
i don't remember
but i called to find out
on this cold day in december
they took away what was mine
and said everything would be fine
but it's not
and now i will know
what they never told me

Let This Be The Year

Let this be the year Lord,
that we finally put away the old
and cling to the new, giving true worship to You
Let this be the year,
that we take off our mask and begin to ask,
who do You say I am?
Let this be the year,
That we bend a knee in worship and
raise our hands without fear
(or at least the hands of our souls)
Let this be the year
that we pursue You with passion
and give our all to heed your call
Let this be the year
that we open our mouths and speak to the lost,
piercing hearts with the gospel and watching God invade
because we obeyed
Let this be the year
that I let you break through the walls that guard my vulnurablity
and instead give me, authenticity
Let this be the year
that we get up and seek you as the sunrise seeks the horizon, and
before the tides of the day wash our desire away
Let this be the year,
that we take in all of your splendor, hardly blinking an eye
that we would lift your name on high
Let this be the year,
that we give our lives to you
as you give us the desires of our hearts,
not our desires, but Yours, implanted and brought forth
by You and for You
Let this be the year Lord
that we remind ourselves everyday
that nothing but the blood of Jesus
has set us free

Scars

Tonight there is a sadness creeping once again into my heart
The scars are remembering all to well the pain
My tears fall gracefully down my cheeks and disappear
How quickly they dry up just to leave the pain lingering
Taunting
Finally the hurt and scars die, for now, only to resurface later
But for now I will sleep, maybe dream into my fairytale world
I think it's time for a new heart (at such a young age)
Yet never letting go of the things that now weaken me but will make me stronger
Creep away sadness, let me rest for now, again you'll come another day

(11/18/97)

Why I Worship

I worship God because He has freed me from the tight, painful, scarring bounds of sin.
Oh how wicked is my heart!
It sends sin cursing through my veins and finally pouring out of my flesh;
The intent of the thoughts of my heart are evil continually.
Yet, God lifted me out of the pit, out of the mud and mire, fulfilling His desire
to set me free
Free
I should be crushed, but instead, He was.
He got my sin and I got eternal life.
Everyday I battle with sin, the war within;
yet everyday His mercies are new and I can approach the throne of grace
without disgrace
but with confidence...how can it be?
Oh but for the grace of God!
In my failures, my legalism, my complacency,
my weakness, my pride, my foolishness and my fears;
I am an open book before the Lord that’s pages are covered in blood
covering the words and images of my old self.
The paint brush of my soul now dips its bristles in the blood and a new book is written,
one that He breathes life into, guides through, and speaks true.
My soul overflows with gratefulness, humility and joy.
I am awed at His love for me.
What can I offer? Nothing of myself is worthy, so I offer my open hands, my open heart,
and my open mouth that must speak of His glory, that must tell of His story!
My soul bows in worship,
true, unrestrained, vulnerable adoration for my King.
I cannot contain my soul, for it,
is
glad.

Insensitive

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called, those stupid feelings keep getting in the way

I'm sorry for kissing you today, my stupid lips should have learned by now

I'm sorry for trying to hold you, my stupid emotions were getting the best of me

I'm sorry for trying to love you, my stupid heart was trying to feel again

I'm sorry for being here

How insensitive I can be.

Missing Her

What's it like?

What's it like to be held by her?
What's it like to cry on her shoulder?
What's it like to come home to someone who wants to hear about your day?
What's it like to talk to her about boys?
What's it like to ask her for advice?
What's it feel like when she hugs you?
What's it like to need her?
What's it like to be loved by her?

What's it like?

I never had her, but I miss her so much.

The Tortured Soul

Tortured soul full of disgrace
That can’t replace

or erase
The sin that lies within
A divorce it is that reeks with pain and guilt and shame
That hides behind the game
You used to hug me so tight
It’s as if you thought you could squeeze the hurt and destruction out
Now all you want to do is shout
I felt as though my caked on face was getting harder to remove
So sad and tired and limp
I was afraid it was becoming my own
My body on loan
Now I must live with the consequences of my selfish actions
Taking in
Deserving your reactions
Sorry’s are pathetic and explanations are a slap in the face
So I sit with my tortured soul
Full of disgrace

Untitled

Poor, poor Sarah Mae. Don't cry. It's okay. Stop feeling this way, you can stop. Don't be silly,you're a great person. I'm not laughing. Don't let it get to you. I know you understand. I love you Sarah Mae. Your special, you're wonderful. Don't cry. I hate seeing you hurt. I can't wait to be with you; I love being with you. Stop it! Stop this craziness! You're being ridiculous Sarah Mae. Why do you think such things Sarah Mae? There isn't a nothing wrong with you. Don't cry. You're fine. Everything is fine. I hate to know that you're sad. Stop those tears. Just understand. I think you're normal, nothings wrong with you Sarah Mae.

Hold me please. Please. I can't stop crying, please come and hold me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

(1/22/00)

Not Alone

I just found out and I’m unsure and scared
facing pressure and parents, it all seems so unfair;
Is there really something inside me so small and with life?
Could I really be a mother even if I’m not a wife?
I’m sorry little one, I just don’t know what to do;
I want to pretend you’re not there, but you are, aren’t you?
I wish it would just go away and be a bad dream
This feels like a nightmare, I just want to scream!
They tell me it’s no big deal, a clump of cells doesn’t need a tomb
But my heart tells me otherwise, there is a soul inside my womb
I learned you have a little heart that beats today
But I have to ignore it, otherwise what would they say?
I’m so young, I’d feel such shame if people knew
My parents would kill me, and he’s not ready too
I feel so alone, so lost and undone
All the pressure’s on me, and the weight is a ton
I’ll just go to that place and then it will all be through
I’ll go back to my life, never knowing you...

Listen to me, you don’t have to do it
I’ve been there and I know you can get through it
We have one chance at this life so do the right thing
Sacrifice for love and not regret anything
Don’t live your days knowing he never had a chance
To smell a sweet flower or feel the wind dance
You can be strong and you are not alone
One day he will thank you at how through adversity you shone