A Letter

I feel that I am not myself, that I am at this moment some how not connected to this body, my body, my soul, my brain, my heart. Who am I? It's so weird the way I feel right now. I feel as though I could scream or breakdown and cry for no reason at all. I'm so scared because I feel like my only true secret, my only real weakness is coming back to haunt me, to drive me insane or to put a bullet through my head. But you know me so well, you know I could never kill myself, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to die if I deserved it. My senses are starting to awake now. I can feel the cold floor beneath me and the hard brick wall behind me. I can hear the people around me, but the words are all foreign to me. Would you still love me if our lives fell apart? I just want to go home and hide in my bed and all curled up in the darkness. Silence is what feels best now. My back is hurting and the cold from the floor is creeping through my body so I must go.

(10/14/98)

Can You Feel My Broken Heart?

Can you feel my broken heart?
Broken
Unspoken...was
My big secret
Do you have something to say as well?
They all did
They just wanted to get rid...of
My big secret
Can you imagine the pain?
Tears
Fears...about
My big secret
I don’t care what you feel, or have to say, or can imagine
I’m angry and torn apart
I was from the start...over
My big secret
That is no longer a secret I’m going to keep

Sandy Charles

they didn't tell me
they didn't even acknowledge me
they didn't care
or share
but they should have
they should have told me about the risks
they should have told me about the pain
they only said what i would gain
i don't know
i don't remember
but i called to find out
on this cold day in december
they took away what was mine
and said everything would be fine
but it's not
and now i will know
what they never told me

Scars

Tonight there is a sadness creeping once again into my heart
The scars are remembering all to well the pain
My tears fall gracefully down my cheeks and disappear
How quickly they dry up just to leave the pain lingering
Taunting
Finally the hurt and scars die, for now, only to resurface later
But for now I will sleep, maybe dream into my fairytale world
I think it's time for a new heart (at such a young age)
Yet never letting go of the things that now weaken me but will make me stronger
Creep away sadness, let me rest for now, again you'll come another day

(11/18/97)

Not Alone

I just found out and I’m unsure and scared
facing pressure and parents, it all seems so unfair;
Is there really something inside me so small and with life?
Could I really be a mother even if I’m not a wife?
I’m sorry little one, I just don’t know what to do;
I want to pretend you’re not there, but you are, aren’t you?
I wish it would just go away and be a bad dream
This feels like a nightmare, I just want to scream!
They tell me it’s no big deal, a clump of cells doesn’t need a tomb
But my heart tells me otherwise, there is a soul inside my womb
I learned you have a little heart that beats today
But I have to ignore it, otherwise what would they say?
I’m so young, I’d feel such shame if people knew
My parents would kill me, and he’s not ready too
I feel so alone, so lost and undone
All the pressure’s on me, and the weight is a ton
I’ll just go to that place and then it will all be through
I’ll go back to my life, never knowing you...

Listen to me, you don’t have to do it
I’ve been there and I know you can get through it
We have one chance at this life so do the right thing
Sacrifice for love and not regret anything
Don’t live your days knowing he never had a chance
To smell a sweet flower or feel the wind dance
You can be strong and you are not alone
One day he will thank you at how through adversity you shone